Broken but Surviving
This is my first blog post ever. I am the type of person who needs to talk, needs to share my story because I want to know I'm not alone and let others know that they are not alone either.
This is My Story:
On August 7th, 2014 I took a pregnancy test because I felt pregnant and I just knew it my heart and gut that I was carrying my 2nd child. (I gave birth to our son, Landon; who is now 4 on January 4th 2011 after an emegency c section due to the cord being wrapped around his neck) The test was positive but I already knew it was going to be. I told my husband Zach, he was extremely happy since he was begging for another baby since Landon was a few months old.
I had extreme nauseau and some spotting but the spotting stopped by 8 weeks and the nausea finally eased up around 16 weeks. Besides that; my pregnancy was healthy and seemed completely perfect. I was scheduled for a repeat c section on April 14 2015. The wednesday before thanksgiving, we had our anatomy scan; I was SO excited because I was hoping for a girl and I had a feeling it was a girl. We heard her sweet heartbeat and saw her heart beating and heard "wow baby isnt shy at all, congrats, its a girl". Our sweet, beautiful and healthy Maelie Elizabeth.
I had 1 or 2 other doctor visits after that and heard her heartbeat with the dopler and the Dr said every sounded perfect!
Then it happened, my worst nightmare.
On January 23, 2015 (almost 29 weeks pregnant, right into my 3rd trimester) I was driving back to work from lunch when a feeling came over me that I cant really explain. It was awful, gut wrenching and heart breaking; I just knew something was terribly wrong with Maelie. I had felt her move that morning but realized I hadnt felt her in a few hours. She was a very active baby so I was immediatly alarmed.
I phoned the hospital and talked to the midwife on call; she said she usually tells moms to wait longer than just a few hours until coming in because babies get less active the more they grow; but she said she could tell how upset I was and told me to come on in for a stress test; they would monitor Maelie's heartbeat and then send me home.
When we got to the hospital, a nurse had the dopler and asked me where they usually find her heartbeat; I showed her and she started to move it around my big belly. She was moving it around for what seemed like a lifetime and there was nothing; nothing but my heartbeat. They did an ultrasound and confirmed our worst fears: "Im sorry, but your baby doesn't have a heartbeat"
As my husband cried, I was in complete shock. How could this have happened? I felt her that morning. I kept asking the midwife and nurses, what did I do wrong? WHY ME?? WHY HER?? WHY did my body fail at the one job it was created for?? I kept saying: "God wanted her, he has a plan for me, he wants this to be my testimony" I did everything I was supposed to do in a healthy pregnancy. I thought I would feel mad at God, but I never have through it all, I have questioned him and wondered why Maelie? But I am surrounded by his love and comfort and feel it daily. To know that my girl is whole, perfect and will never experience any pain, is comforting. I would rather have her here with me and protect her from all of that, but thats not how it is; so I have to be grateful for God and his paradise she is in.
We had to call our families and tell them the horrible news and they all rushed to our side. I was dreading telling Landon becuase he was so excited for her, he wanted his little sister so much; he was all I could think of after I knew my other child was gone.
The Dr and Midwife decided it would be safest for me to vaginally deliver her despite the previous c section. So I labored until the next morning around noon. January 24 2015, my sweet Maelie was born sleeping. I remember reaching for my beautiful girl and asking what had happened. As I held my sweet, lifeless baby girl, I was told that without an autopsy, they wouldnt know for sure but it seemed the umbilical cord was hyper coiled and it had cut off her oxygen. An accident that is rare, an accident that should'nt have happened to us. So we went home, empty handed and hearts completely shattered.
We told our son, he teared up, touched my tummy and said "Maelie" in a sweet, broken voice. I was even more broken seeing him so sad. We buried Maelie on January 28 2015. I miss her so much and the hole in my heart will never be fixed, there is a void that will remain because no one can replace my Maelie. I wanted her, I needed her; I still do.
But now we survive. We just keep on going no matter how badly I want to lay in bed all day and not move, not participate in life. The #RAKforMaelie movement/campaign has helped me. It gives me something to do, something to be connected with her. I cant physically hold her, nurse her, raise her but I WILL honor her and keep her memory alive through this.
I cant say thank you enough to all of you that have joined us in this journey. All the support and love is appreciated more than you will ever know. Thank you for sharing my heartache, thank you for helping me spread Maelie's memory.
Love and blessings to you all,
Mary
