Mother's Day

As yesterday approached, I knew it would be a tough day but wasn't prepared for the emotions that hit me. I cried, a lot. The should-have's knock the breath out of me. As we were driving to the park, I was sitting in the back with Landon and looked over at the empty seat next to him. There should've been a sweet almost 1 month old sleeping there in her car seat. I should have been stressed about when was the next time I would nurse her, change her and let others hold her. I should have been fussing at Landon for poking her or squeezing her too tightly.

I was so happy to see my son play, laugh and have a great time with his cousins, but at the same time there was such a deep sadness that would just bring tears without any warning. My sisters and my mom cried with me yesterday and having their support means so much to me.

I went to see Maelie at the cemetery last night and it hit me: it's been 3.5 months since I've held her and kissed her and I'll never get to again in this life time. I never imagined I would visit a cemetery so much, I go see her every single day and it's peaceful. I can feel her and I hope she feels me and sees how much she is loved.

Being a mother is a gift and an amazing blessing. I have never taken it for granted, but I now cherish the title more. I love my children more than anyone or anything and to have one of them gone; it's the most awful feeling ever. It now feels like it was never going to be real, it was a dream that was taken away from me. I so wanted to hold her, nurse her, change her, and snuggle with her. I wanted to soak in every single ounce of her.